Good Grief

“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” Eph 4:29

Friends, I am grieved indeed. Of late I have come in contact with many women who cannot come up with a nice thing to say about their husbands. I know their husbands – they are not bad men. I could very easily come up with something nice to say about them. What has happened to us (Christian ladies, even) that all we have to say are complaints? There is a serious issue going on.

What could the issue be? I have a few (not all) options:

1. Peer pressure. Everyone else is husband bashing, I guess I will too.
2. Selfishness. I am the center of my universe. People are put in my life to meet my needs, but my husband did something I didn’t like.
3. Stupidity. I am too stupid to notice the positives of my husband. (Although, this is mighty close to selfishness.)
4. The Husband. My husband truly is bad. (Though that’s not what I’m talking about. Perhaps in this case professional help should be sought.)

In a previous post I talked about how I have recently come to a conclusion: that I honor God by acting in obedience to his commands regarding relationships no matter how the other person acts. As I read that sentence now and consider this topic, I assure you that I did not come to that conclusion as a way to comfort myself because my husband behaves badly to me. Quite the contrary. Today is our four year wedding anniversary (woohoo!), and I couldn’t be more pleased with the dude that God gave me. I don’t deserve him. With that out of the way, let’s get on with it.

I’m going to rule out option number 4 for the moment. Any bashing there is probably a cry for help, and the onus then lies on the hearer to have discernment. And option 1 is a copout. Be your own woman – if you know you shouldn’t be talking like that, stop. If you can’t be woman enough to stop, you can hang out with the ladies in category number 3. 2 Timothy 3 has some choice words about weak minded women. I think the biggest problems are option 2 and 3.

We all know it's wrong for other people to be selfish, but usually when it comes to ourselves we insist that we are not selfish, that we have truly been wronged. Maybe we have, but the central issue is that we need to get out of our heads that the world is about us.

I’m afraid people will misunderstand me. Do not hear me say that you should let your husband walk all over you. Do not hear me say that it’s okay if your husband treats you badly, just deal. What I am saying is consider yourself and your behavior. Remember, we should act in obedience to God regardless? Consider these verses:

“In like manner, you married women, be submissive to your own husbands [subordinate yourselves as being secondary to and dependent on them, and adapt yourselves to them], so that even if any do not obey the Word [of God], they may be won over not by discussion but by the [godly] lives of their wives, when they observe the pure and modest way in which you conduct yourselves, together with your reverence [for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him--to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].” 1 Peter 3:1-2 (Amplified version)

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Philippians 2:3

As for the first, I am aware that it is referring to non-Christian husbands, but I think the charge is applicable to even those of us with believing husbands, because the focus is on how YOU act, not how HE acts. Plus, I contend that if you treat your husband like the verse says he will even treat you better, if he indeed treated you so badly before, or at least you will start to notice how nice he always has been (God just might release you from your stupidity).

And as for the second, it pretty much speaks for itself.

Have you ever read the book Love and Respect ? Me neither, but I hear it’s a good one. I think the gist of it is that a wife’s greatest need is to feel loved and a husband’s greatest need is to feel respected. Your biting words cut him deep and show him that you don’t respect him. And don’t tell me that he doesn’t make you feel loved so it’s okay for you to be disrespectful. We’ve been over that!

“Heather, you are so wise,” you say. “You must have the best marriage. I’m sure you have never had to try at any of this.” No, friends, I speak from experience. I have anyways worked hard not to be a husband basher to others, but I have made myself miserable by thinking husband bashing thoughts. So, if I can offer any word of advice on this my fourth anniversary, just don’t go there. Enjoy your husband and relish in the gift that God gave you.

So let’s not ever again hear each other say “I’ve trained my husband not to do this…”, “Guess what terrible thing my husband did the other day…”, “I wish my husband would…”, “If only my husband were like…”. Let us instead glorify God by our love for them.